Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Straight Eye For Womankind

For years, I have been puzzled by the fact that women tend to take their fashion and cosmetics advice from gay men and other women. Most ladies don't even consider consulting the heterosexual male opinion when it comes to appearance. I don't claim to know shit about fashion or make-up, but I know what I find sexy and I know what I find repulsive. It bothers me that so many women put in effort, time, and money into "beautification" rituals that leave them looking worse than when they first wake up in the morning.

I think women, the fashion industry, and the cosmetics industry could benefit from listening to straight dudes. It saddens me that whenever I'm watching America's Next Top Model (I've seen it a time or two, but don't hold that against me) and I find one of the girls very sexy, Tyra, Janice, or Jay will tell that girl, "Oh no!! You're giving me trashy. You're giving me porn star. We're looking for top model." Porn Star looks better than top model. The women they call "top models" look like aliens or exotic animals.

On behalf of all the straight men, I want to give you women some help in the appearance department. I'm sick of the fashion faux pas that hurt my soul and limpen my weiner. Instead of sitting idly by, I am trying to be proactive and start a revolution. In taking a cue from the Obama campaign, I am writing this because I have HOPE that women can CHANGE. Also, I want to acknowledge those women who are doing the right thing and accentuating their natural beauty. On behalf of penises everywhere, I stand and salute you!

The Black Plagues of Fashion (AVOID AT ALL COSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Colored Contacts- Thankfully, fewer women are wearing these diabolical accessories. There was a time when colored contacts were a popular trend. There is nothing wrong with brown eyes. I like brown eyes. If you have brown eyes, you should like them, too. It hurts my soul when I see an Asian woman wearing bright blue colored contacts. Does she think that anybody assumes that she has natural bright blue eyes? No guy has ever uttered the phrase, "I like chicks who wear colored contacts." Guys usually prefer natural, unless we're talking about titties. Believe it or not, though, there is no consensus in the heterosexual male community on whether fake boobies are good or bad. But, if the titties look like a pair that do not resemble anything naturally found on a woman, even the implant fan will be disappointed. So, proudly rock your natural eye color. There is no eye color that is gross. Only colored contacts are gross.

Huge Sunglasses/Space Goggles- I have to give credit to my comedian friend KT Tatara for coining the term "space goggles". For some reason, huge sunglasses have become popular. I like admiring the female face, but it's hard to do that when 80% of a woman's mug is shielded by sunglass lenses. And even if you your face is less than pretty, the space goggles do not make you look better. When I see a woman sporting the space goggles, I just assume that she likes droppin' serious cash to be part of the "in crowd". She probably loves accessories, and has too many purses and shoes. Uh oh. I think I'm starting to permanently cockblock myself.

Big Girls in Little Tops- A timeless fashion no-no. I have been attracted to a few "thick" women. Although being overweight doesn't necessarily make you a BBW (big, beautiful woman), there are many sexy, bigger ladies. While lots of men don't mind a bigger woman, very few men like a big stomach. If you are carrying a few extra lbs, feel free to show off some cleavage, but try not to wear anything that's too tight around your mid-section. If you are heavy and you do wear something that's tight in the middle, when you sit down, your stomach will look like a planet that has multiple rings orbiting Planet Hefty. Shoot, that sounded mean. My bad.

Caked-on, Bright Eyeshadow- One of the scarier make-up trends. Usually, "artsy" women or so-called make-up artists will engage in this revolting practice. No woman looks better because she has green or purple shit on her eyelids.

Fake Eyelashes- I must reiterate my point that fake is generally bad. Lately, I've seen many a woman sporting ridiculously long, fake eyelashes. I'm sure it's fun to play dress-up, and women feel glamorous when they put on the long lashes, but the fake eyelashes are creepy looking. I was talking to a girl who was wearing the fake lashes, and I couldn't stop staring at them. I was fighting the urge to reach out and yank them off. Luckily, I have a lot of self-control.

The "God Bless America" Fashion Trends (PLEASE FOLLOW!!!!!)

High-Heels- Regardless of what your face and body look like, no woman looks worse in high heels. Heels make you look longer, sexier, and more feminine. I'm a shorter dude who has dated a few taller ladies, and sometimes the tall chicks are hesitant to rock the heels because they don't want to feel too tall, or they think that the few extra inches of height will make their shorter man feel insecure. Ladies, regardless of your height, feel free to sport the heels. If your man can't take a taller woman, then he is a pussy and you need to find yourself a confident dude.

Jean Skirts/Any Skirt- I singled out jean skirts only because I have a couple of friends that like to yell out, "Jean Skirt!" at any woman they see dressed in one. These guys may be juvenile and objectifying women, but their jean skirt line always makes me giggle. Please forgive me. Skirts are always sexy. They show off the legs and the booty. Shorter skirts are obviously sexier, but once the skirt gets so short that butt cheek is visible, you are gonna look a little scandalous. I don't mind scandalous, but scandalous attracts a lot of attention, and maybe not the attention that you're seeking.

Those Huge Stomach Belts- I've noticed that a lot of women are wearing these big belts across their stomachs. Personally, I like these belts, even though whenever I see them, in my head I'm saying, "It's a Gut-B-Gone". The big belts flatten a woman's stomach (if that's her problem area) and they accentuate the boobies. Very nice. However, while the end result looks good, believe it or not, men are smart enough to understand the stomach belt trick.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed Justin Berkman's take on women's fashion. Those who know me know that I'm not the most fashionable dude. I wear whatever is comfortable, I rarely go shopping, and my socks are usually not matching. But, I am very heterosexual, believe it or not. Oh, feel free to add to my list of good or bad fashion trends in the comments section. I'm curious what you think. Now, I'm gonna try to get a job as the first straight dude fashion commentator on E!