Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Straight Eye For Womankind

For years, I have been puzzled by the fact that women tend to take their fashion and cosmetics advice from gay men and other women. Most ladies don't even consider consulting the heterosexual male opinion when it comes to appearance. I don't claim to know shit about fashion or make-up, but I know what I find sexy and I know what I find repulsive. It bothers me that so many women put in effort, time, and money into "beautification" rituals that leave them looking worse than when they first wake up in the morning.

I think women, the fashion industry, and the cosmetics industry could benefit from listening to straight dudes. It saddens me that whenever I'm watching America's Next Top Model (I've seen it a time or two, but don't hold that against me) and I find one of the girls very sexy, Tyra, Janice, or Jay will tell that girl, "Oh no!! You're giving me trashy. You're giving me porn star. We're looking for top model." Porn Star looks better than top model. The women they call "top models" look like aliens or exotic animals.

On behalf of all the straight men, I want to give you women some help in the appearance department. I'm sick of the fashion faux pas that hurt my soul and limpen my weiner. Instead of sitting idly by, I am trying to be proactive and start a revolution. In taking a cue from the Obama campaign, I am writing this because I have HOPE that women can CHANGE. Also, I want to acknowledge those women who are doing the right thing and accentuating their natural beauty. On behalf of penises everywhere, I stand and salute you!

The Black Plagues of Fashion (AVOID AT ALL COSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Colored Contacts- Thankfully, fewer women are wearing these diabolical accessories. There was a time when colored contacts were a popular trend. There is nothing wrong with brown eyes. I like brown eyes. If you have brown eyes, you should like them, too. It hurts my soul when I see an Asian woman wearing bright blue colored contacts. Does she think that anybody assumes that she has natural bright blue eyes? No guy has ever uttered the phrase, "I like chicks who wear colored contacts." Guys usually prefer natural, unless we're talking about titties. Believe it or not, though, there is no consensus in the heterosexual male community on whether fake boobies are good or bad. But, if the titties look like a pair that do not resemble anything naturally found on a woman, even the implant fan will be disappointed. So, proudly rock your natural eye color. There is no eye color that is gross. Only colored contacts are gross.

Huge Sunglasses/Space Goggles- I have to give credit to my comedian friend KT Tatara for coining the term "space goggles". For some reason, huge sunglasses have become popular. I like admiring the female face, but it's hard to do that when 80% of a woman's mug is shielded by sunglass lenses. And even if you your face is less than pretty, the space goggles do not make you look better. When I see a woman sporting the space goggles, I just assume that she likes droppin' serious cash to be part of the "in crowd". She probably loves accessories, and has too many purses and shoes. Uh oh. I think I'm starting to permanently cockblock myself.

Big Girls in Little Tops- A timeless fashion no-no. I have been attracted to a few "thick" women. Although being overweight doesn't necessarily make you a BBW (big, beautiful woman), there are many sexy, bigger ladies. While lots of men don't mind a bigger woman, very few men like a big stomach. If you are carrying a few extra lbs, feel free to show off some cleavage, but try not to wear anything that's too tight around your mid-section. If you are heavy and you do wear something that's tight in the middle, when you sit down, your stomach will look like a planet that has multiple rings orbiting Planet Hefty. Shoot, that sounded mean. My bad.

Caked-on, Bright Eyeshadow- One of the scarier make-up trends. Usually, "artsy" women or so-called make-up artists will engage in this revolting practice. No woman looks better because she has green or purple shit on her eyelids.

Fake Eyelashes- I must reiterate my point that fake is generally bad. Lately, I've seen many a woman sporting ridiculously long, fake eyelashes. I'm sure it's fun to play dress-up, and women feel glamorous when they put on the long lashes, but the fake eyelashes are creepy looking. I was talking to a girl who was wearing the fake lashes, and I couldn't stop staring at them. I was fighting the urge to reach out and yank them off. Luckily, I have a lot of self-control.

The "God Bless America" Fashion Trends (PLEASE FOLLOW!!!!!)

High-Heels- Regardless of what your face and body look like, no woman looks worse in high heels. Heels make you look longer, sexier, and more feminine. I'm a shorter dude who has dated a few taller ladies, and sometimes the tall chicks are hesitant to rock the heels because they don't want to feel too tall, or they think that the few extra inches of height will make their shorter man feel insecure. Ladies, regardless of your height, feel free to sport the heels. If your man can't take a taller woman, then he is a pussy and you need to find yourself a confident dude.

Jean Skirts/Any Skirt- I singled out jean skirts only because I have a couple of friends that like to yell out, "Jean Skirt!" at any woman they see dressed in one. These guys may be juvenile and objectifying women, but their jean skirt line always makes me giggle. Please forgive me. Skirts are always sexy. They show off the legs and the booty. Shorter skirts are obviously sexier, but once the skirt gets so short that butt cheek is visible, you are gonna look a little scandalous. I don't mind scandalous, but scandalous attracts a lot of attention, and maybe not the attention that you're seeking.

Those Huge Stomach Belts- I've noticed that a lot of women are wearing these big belts across their stomachs. Personally, I like these belts, even though whenever I see them, in my head I'm saying, "It's a Gut-B-Gone". The big belts flatten a woman's stomach (if that's her problem area) and they accentuate the boobies. Very nice. However, while the end result looks good, believe it or not, men are smart enough to understand the stomach belt trick.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed Justin Berkman's take on women's fashion. Those who know me know that I'm not the most fashionable dude. I wear whatever is comfortable, I rarely go shopping, and my socks are usually not matching. But, I am very heterosexual, believe it or not. Oh, feel free to add to my list of good or bad fashion trends in the comments section. I'm curious what you think. Now, I'm gonna try to get a job as the first straight dude fashion commentator on E!

The Cheap Guy's/Broke Guy's Guide to Dating

Throughout time, the process of courting and dating has been a costly one for men. While gender roles have evolved in the past fifty years, men are still generally expected to foot the bill on dates. Sometimes, a guy can find a woman who will pay half, but it is nearly impossible to date without spending cash. Herein lies the problem. There are many CGs/BGs (cheap guys/broke guys) who cringe at the thought of parting with their moolah, but they long to enjoy the company of sexy women. Well, as the charitable, altruistic fellow that I strive to be, I am willing to share my ingenious tips for how to date as a CG/BG.

You may question my credentials and wonder whether my advice is worth following, but I have been a CG/BG my whole life, and that has never stopped me from dating. Many women are repulsed by a self-proclaimed CG/BG. That is why you must never admit to being one. The secret to CG/BG dating is disguising your CG/BG status. Some smart, perceptive women will see through these tricks and recognize you for the CG/BG that you are, but they will appreciate your effort. If they don't, they are materialistic, vapid gold-diggers and you should avoid them like you would avoid a 500 pound woman with halitosis and herpes. Without further ado, here are my excellent tips that will save you cash and lead you to the promised land of poon:

AVOID RESTAURANTS- Eating out is expensive. There are cheaper restaurants, but there are no cheap restaurants that you can go to on a date. Taking a woman to Shakey's, Taco Bell, or Subway will result in her programming you into her phone as "Cheap Ass". She will call all her friends and tell them about you and your CG/BG ways. Her friends will be shocked and appalled, attempt to comfort her, and you will never hear from your date again.

You may be confused; you may be wondering how it is possible to date and avoid restaurants. The best way to avoid restaurants is to avoid mealtime dates. If you are going on a first date, always opt for after-dinner drinks, especially if your goal is to get laid. Women are more open to having first-date sex when it's late at night and they have ingested some of the devil's juice.

If you want to do a dinner date, volunteer to cook for your lucky lady. Cooking for her shows that you care and saves you cash. WIN/WIN!!! You can buy pasta, sauce and a bottle of wine for less than $10. And, if she gets drunk at your place, you must insist that she spend the night because drinking and driving is wrong and dangerous. BINGO BANGO.

FREE MOVIE SCREENINGS- This trick works best in Los Angeles or New York. Often, after buying movie tickets online, you will begin to receive e-mails that you have been invited to screen a movie that has yet to be released. Generally, these screenings are conducted so the studios can determine the quality of their forthcoming movies. These movie screenings are a dating goldmine because you are given free admission for you and a guest. Tell your date that you have been invited to a movie screening and that you would like to bring her. She will assume that you must be well-connected and she will feel special because the general public can't see this movie yet. When you make a woman feel special, she will make you feel special. Oh yeah!!!

OUTDOOR EXCURSIONS- Many women love nature and beautiful scenery. I love the fact that looking at a tree doesn't cost me a dime. Take your date to the beach, the mountains, a lake, a park, a forest, or anywhere else that looks nice and is open to the public. Go on a nighttime hike and try for something nauseatingly cliche like cuddling while gazing up at the stars. This could lead to something beautifully kinky like fornicating in hiking boots on Runyon Canyon.

TAKE HER TO A NIGHTCLUB- Some of you may think that clubbing is costly. Entrance to a swanky club, VIP treatment, and bottle service can run you close to $500 in many metropolitan areas. But, that doesn't mean that the CG/BG has to avoid dancing with his date. There are a plethora of clubs that offer free admission or offer free admission before 10 PM. Conveniently, take advantage of these before 10 offers. Keep in mind that the majority of women like a guy who can take control and make decisions, so if you confidently tell her you are going to pick her up at 9:30 and then hit the club, she may not bat an eye. If she asks why you are going to the club so early, just say that you want to spend more time with her. Hopefully, that's true.

Also, you want to try to befriend club promoters/managers and anyone who could potentially provide you with a hook-up at the club. You will save money and she will be impressed that you know "important" people. Ladies love guys with status and power, and the CG/BG needs to show that he has some status without opening his wallet.

Dancing is a great date activity. Even if you are an awful dancer, your date will most likely appreciate your willingness to strut yo' stuff on the dance floor. Dancing can result in touching and touching can cause the sexual tension to escalate to an unbearable level. Hot diggity damn. Sorry to get all Cosmo on you, but make sure you maintain eye contact with her while you're dancing. If she catches you staring at the go-go dancer or another girl's ass, your date could reach a very early conclusion.

GO TO AN OBSCURE ENTERTAINMENT/SPORTING EVENT- Women love activities that are creative/unique. If you come up with a dating idea that seems out of the ordinary, you will get major bonus points. It will seem like you have put it in some genuine thought to make your date special and she will have a good story to tell her friends. Obscure events are always cheap because few people know about them. Depending on your date's interests, take your woman to a music open-mic, a modern art museum, a minor league hockey game, a Justin Berkman comedy show (the best idea, but hopefully, one day you will have to spend major dough to see me), a poetry slam, or a community theater play. Just don't get too crazy with your ideas. If you take her to a junior high school girl's lacrosse match, she might think that you're a pedophile.

I hope you can take advantage of all my sage advice. Feel free to send this article to all your CG/BG friends or anyone who could benefit from my wisdom or would be entertained by my thoughts. If you are in college or under the age of 18, you don't need to follow my suggestions. No college girl/minor should expect you to take her on regular dates. She knows you're a CG/BG. If she expects more from you than you are able to give, tell her to go fuck herself. Oh, and no self-respecting man allows his date to regularly pay for him. Have some pride, bitches!

My Letter to Potential Audience Members

Note: This entry is taken from one of my old myspace blogs.

Dear Possible Comedy Show Attendee,

Thanks for your interest in attending one of my comedy shows. I hope you make the wise decision and take advantage of any opportunity to watch me tell jokes. If you like my stand-up, I will like you. Unfortunately, many people who attend stand-up comedy shows are oblivious to proper show etiquette or lack the attributes that I consider essential to being a quality audience member. So, as a service to you, me and the comedy community at large, here are some tips for you that, if followed, will enable a new golden age in stand-up comedy.

-Don't fear the front row. Sit there, be attentive and we can undress each other with our eyes.

-If you make the brain-dead decision to answer your phone mid-show, you should expect to be called an asshole, cunt, whore, or my ex-wife (read this line in Norman Chad voice).

-Do not yell comments mid-show in an attempt to upstage/be funnier than the comedian. Most comedians (including me) possess the ability to verbally rape the common man. You will embarrass yourself and all your friends will remind you of your jackass-ness for years to come.

-Bring a high level of enthusiasm and emotional involvement with you to the show. Few things pain me more than a passive audience. Clap, cheer, get drunk, hoot n' holler, and feel free to join the comedy riot.

-If you are likely to audibly groan (awwwwww) if somebody makes a sexual/racial joke, stay home. If you are morally opposed to curse words, potty humor, or promiscuity, shame on you.

-For the guys: I appreciate it when you offer to buy me drinks after the show to signify that you liked my comedy work. I know this is one of the only acceptable ways for a heterosexual man to show gratitude to another heterosexual man. However, I am a light-weight, and after one shot, you have to believe me when I tell you I'm a pussy.

-For the ladies: I am not opposed to signing boobies post-show or accepting panties that are thrown on stage while I am performing. I'm not a chauvinist, misogynist, or any other anti-woman "ist", but few things make a man feel better than boobie-signing and projectile panties.

-If you like a comedian, make sure to learn his name and spread the word about his comedy prowess. Hopefully, this unnamed comedian is me.

Thank you in advance for adhering to the above tips. Together, we can make the comedy world a better place. Pass this on to 10 people or you will get chlamydia.


Justin Berkman

A Little Bit Selfish, A Little Bit Selfless

Note: This entry was taken from one of my old myspace blogs.

Ever since the first time I stepped on a stage to attempt to do stand-up comedy roughly five years ago, I have spent countless hours writing jokes, telling jokes, booking gigs, hanging out at comedy clubs and striving to advance my fledgling comedy career. I have told jokes at bars, night clubs, coffee shops, theaters, colleges, strip clubs, bowling alleys, comedy clubs, cafeterias and a synagogue. Comedy has taken me to such cultural destinations as Monticello, Arkansas, Okmulgee, Oklahoma and Hoboken, New Jersey. I have been able to visit Super Wal-Marts and eat at a Buffalo Wild Wings in five different states.

Sometimes, I feel like I am leading a completely selfish existence. I write jokes by myself. On stage, I'm by myself. Usually, I travel by myself, driving through areas of the country where the only radio stations that come in clearly play religious sermons or folk music. Often, I'm staying alone in accommodations that range from luxury hotels to vermin-infested condos. At times, I'm forced to entertain myself with games such as "Guess How Many Peoples' Fluids Are on This Comforter!" It's a classic, but I never can find out if I'm right. Much of my motivation for wanting to continue to move up in the comedy world stems from a desire to one day lead a more stable, comfortable life, while doing something that I am passionate about and makes me happy.

I never wanted my life to be solely about me. I've always wished to be able to have a tremendously positive impact on society, and improve the lives of my friends and family. But in my struggle for career advancement, I have been focusing primarily on myself. I've been thinking about how reaching the upper echelon of the comedy world can benefit me: I will be able to have somebody cook for me instead of making my own Jose Ole frozen taquitos (I would be open to cooking for myself, but somebody else would do a better job). Every show I do will be sold out with adoring fans instead of not knowing before a gig whether I will be doing another show for 3 or 4 semi-conscious inbred, toothless dudes who prefer crystal meth to anything I could possibly say. I will be able to live in a house instead of living in an apartment with a stove from the disco era and a bathroom that hasn't been renovated since Lucy and Desi were the coolest people on television.

In order to maintain my happiness and a healthy perspective on life, I don't allow my focus to become too narrow; I try to pay more attention to the world outside of me. Comedy is a noble profession: its primary intent is to make others happy and laugh. And comedy also enables me to create poignant satire, provide important social commentary and force others to question their own actions (If I feel like doing any of those things). I have the ability to temporarily alleviate the stress in a person's life or give a group of guys some stupid shit to quote for the next few weeks. I can make a woman's bachelorette party memorable, without the bachelorette having to endure a dude in a cowboy hat flopping a prosthetic penis in her face. Noble indeed!

So, as I navigate my path towards the pinnacle of the comedy profession, I recognize that while I'm often alone, I'm not doing this just for me. I'm doing this for that bachelorette and her friends. If I ever make Chappelle-like amounts of cash, there are many charitable (and non-charitable J ) ventures that I wish to pursue. However, even though I'm at the point where I can just adequately support myself, I still have a lot to give. Few things in life are more important than spreading joy. Being a comedian gives me such a valuable opportunity to do just that.

Notes: 1. It doesn't take a stage, microphone, jokes or a captive audience to spread joy. 2. This blog allowed my "inner-pussy" to emerge. Hooray!