Thursday, April 28, 2011


As a single heterosexual man, women often question me about what I’m looking for in a lady. I’ve heard that some ladies make lists about attributes that their man should possess. I’ve always found the idea of such lists silly because no man is going to be able to meet all of the criteria on a woman’s list, and such lists ignore the powerful forces of chemistry, inexplicable lust, and sad desperation. However, here would be my list, if I were dumb enough to ever make one. I have divided this list into the physical and personality traits that I’m attracted to in a woman. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m a loser.

THE PHYSICAL- Can I just write “hot” and move on?? Actually, while some women possess undeniable beauty, men do have preferred physical types (but men seem to be more willing to disregard their “types”, especially if they’re just trying to get laid). For some reason, I tend to be more drawn to women who are tall (5’5” or above) and dark (they have at least a natural tan). There may be some subconscious eugenics reasons in play here because I’m short and my skin is a lighter shade of white. I guess my attraction may in part be due to the fact that if I am ever to procreate, I have a desire to not start a race of albino dwarves. However, I have been attracted to a few light-skinned shorties, so fear not, my melanin-challenged, vertically-challenged mujeres.

When it comes to body type, I prefer curves. I would opt to be with a woman with a Beyonce body as opposed to an aerobics instructor physique. I like boobies and booties, but my lady does not need to have big boobies and a big booty. One or the other will suffice.

Obviously, a pretty face never hurts. Certain specific facial features that I find sexy are full lips, nice skin, a sweet smile and a lovely set of teeth. Natural selection may be in play here because most meth addicts don’t possess these traits.

Generally, I (and most guys) find long hair more attractive than short hair. Long hair is more feminine, sexy, and it can be pulled. I have been with a few black women and I know not to pull a black woman’s hair unless I have express verbal and written approval to do so. Also, I am one of the few guys who likes chicks who can rock the pony tail. I think I’m unique in liking the pony tail. Well, I’m definitely unique.

PERSONALITY- Even though some women believe that men are completely superficial and wholly disregard a woman’s personality, a woman’s behavior can make her much more or much less attractive. However, if a woman is really hot, many men will just pretend like she doesn’t have a personality, brain, or feelings because guys don’t expect really hot women to be capable of anything other than being really hot. Anyways, here are the personality traits that I like in a lady.

Kind/Considerate- For me, this may be the only attribute that is absolutely mandatory for me to date/keep dating a woman. Not only do I expect my woman to be kind to me, but she has to be nice to strangers and treat waiters, customer service people, flight attendants, homeless people, and my delinquent friends with respect.

Furthermore, she has to be a woman of her word. If she says that she will meet me at 8:00 or call me back in 10 minutes, I would be appreciative if she follows through on those things. I am understanding if an unexpected situation arises causing her to flake, but if she always has an excuse, then I know that she’s generally full of shit.

Sense of Humor- I don’t expect my woman to be hilarious, but she has to find me hilarious (kinda kidding, but not really). She can’t be overly uptight and has to be willing to laugh at “inappropriate” poop, sex, and racial jokes (without actually being racist).

Intelligent- My hypothetical woman doesn’t have to be a PhD, but I would prefer if she occasionally read something other than US Weekly and could talk about something intelligently, other than what happened on “Khloe and Lamar” last week. She doesn’t need to know what “opprobrium”, “obsequious” , or “abjure” means, but she should have basic grammar and spelling skills in at least one language. I have a special attraction to women who are knowledgeable about engineering, physics, or music because I am rather ignorant when it comes to these subjects. Where are my hot physicists at???

Independent- While this may sound mean, partially I want my woman to be independent so that she doesn’t become dependent on me. However, I find it sexy for a woman to be able to balance a checkbook, cook an extravagant meal, or change a tire (I call AAA). It’s even sexier if she is able to fight her own battles and doesn’t let anybody take advantage of her (as long as she also shaves her armpits).

Low-Maintenance- I am immediately repelled by women who can always be seen sporting fake nails, expensive purses, and trendy apparel. Most of these women who I have met spend more time working on their tan and highlights than they do on acquiring any useful skills. I love ladies who look cute when they’re rockin’ flannel pajamas or a T-shirt and jeans. I like women who wake up in the morning looking somewhat similar to how they look after spending hours getting ready before a night out on the town.

I am also hesitant getting involved with a woman who is emotionally high-maintenance. If I am in a relationship with a woman, I will call/text daily, but I shouldn’t get yelled at if two hours pass without you hearing from me. I have shit to do.

Passionate/Ambitious- I like women who have goals, dreams, and aspirations. Furthermore, I like women who are working hard to make their dreams become a reality. I have met many women who want to become fashion designers, but virtually none of them have taken any steps to make that happen. By the way, just because your friends say that they like your clothes doesn’t mean that you should be a stylist or designer. Even if a woman doesn’t have a specific career goal, just being passionate about a topic or having an intense interest in something is cool.

Emotionally Stable (at least somewhat)- In my mind, all women are crazy, but there are different levels of crazy. I have come to accept that virtually all women are much more emotionally expressive than I am. I rarely get pissed off and I have never raised my voice to a woman I was dating, even though I think all of my ex-girlfriends yelled at me at some point. I can’t remember the last time I cried like a baby, but all of my exes sobbed uncontrollably around me at some point. I understand that almost any woman will cry and yell more than I do, but I don’t want to have to listen to crying or yelling on a daily basis. Try to save your crying or yelling for situations that truly warrant crying or yelling. Don’t cry because the Lady Gaga concert is sold out, and don’t yell at me because I said you look “sexy” instead of saying that you look “beautiful”.

Sexual Compatibility- Some people like to discount the importance of sex in a relationship, but as soon as you lose your virginity, sex becomes important. My ideal woman has a healthy sexual appetite (daily sex is good) and is adventurous enough that she is willing to try different positions and locations (public park, anyone??). However, she’s not so adventurous that she wants to rock the strap-on and violate me.

Well, that pretty much sums up the traits that my perfect lady possesses. Perhaps I didn’t mention that my woman needs to be trusting, loyal, supportive and fun. Of course, there’s no woman who will have everything that I desire, but now when a chick asks me what I look for in a woman, I can send her a link to this blog.