I’m sad to have to inform you all that on Wednesday I shall be having a somewhat major surgery. JB is going under the knife. For the past 11 years years I have been afflicted with a disease called ulcerative colitis. Basically, I have an inflamed colon which leads to some rather unpleasant symptoms. While there are medications that can alleviate the symptoms, the only cure for colitis is surgery. For the past six months, my condition has been rather bad (and the medications have not helped) and I have been advised that surgery is my best option at this point.
What will my surgery entail??? Well, my colon and my rectum will be removed (I’m sure some of you giggled when you read the word “rectum”), and my hopefully competent surgeon will be forming a pouch out of my small intestine, and this pouch will eventually do the work that my colon used to do. After this first surgery, I will have a temporary ileostomy. This means that I won’t be pooping out my butt. JB will have a shit bag attached to his stomach. Sexy. After 2-3 months with the shit bag, I will be having another surgery, all my internal plumbing will be connected, and I’ll be able to poop out of my butt again.
Unfortunately, there is a somewhat lengthy recovery time after the first surgery. I’m supposed to be in the hospital for about a week and full recovery is supposed to take about six weeks. So, if you don’t see me for a while, you know what’s up. When you do see me, I may look super skinny. I won’t be able to exercise for a month, so it may take some time for me to rebuild my massive biceps.
Emotionally, I’m doing just fine. The reason why I’m having this surgery is because my disease has been greatly diminishing my quality of life. For a long time, leaving my apartment has been a painful, kinda scary experience. I love life, and I am hoping that my surgeries will allow me to live life to its fullest yet again. I’m excited to be rid of this disease, and I assume that my upcoming ordeal may provide me with some new comedic material.
For those of you who are close to me who were unaware of my situation, don’t feel like my not telling you about this stuff somehow means that we’re not as close as you thought we were. Since I was diagnosed, I have rarely talked about my colitis. I’ve tried to live as normally as possible, and I’m not the type to really want or seek sympathy. Plus, most people don’t want to hear about the not-so-fun things this disease causes. The only folks who have known about my colitis were friends with me when I first got this disease, or people who have had to see me endure the effects of my ailment.
So, feel free to send good vibes my way and hope that all goes smoothly in the operating room. Also, if there is anybody you know who you think may want to know about what’s going on with me, please pass this along to them. I probably won’t get a chance to talk to everyone I would like to individually before my surgery. To my fellow comedians, I look forward to sharing the stage with you soon. This will be by far my longest time away from stand-up since I became a comedian. When I’m feeling better, make sure you have some stage-time for me.
I guess that’s about it. More than anything, dealing with my health issues has taught me to be appreciative of what I have and to take full advantage of all my blessings. So, I encourage you all to do the same. Next time you take a solid, painless, well-formed poop, be grateful. This week, I implore you all to eat good food, drink good drinks and have satisfying sex. I will be taking advantage of my morphine. Much love to everyone.