Note: This entry is taken from one of my old myspace blogs.
Dear Possible Comedy Show Attendee,
Thanks for your interest in attending one of my comedy shows. I hope you make the wise decision and take advantage of any opportunity to watch me tell jokes. If you like my stand-up, I will like you. Unfortunately, many people who attend stand-up comedy shows are oblivious to proper show etiquette or lack the attributes that I consider essential to being a quality audience member. So, as a service to you, me and the comedy community at large, here are some tips for you that, if followed, will enable a new golden age in stand-up comedy.
-Don't fear the front row. Sit there, be attentive and we can undress each other with our eyes.
-If you make the brain-dead decision to answer your phone mid-show, you should expect to be called an asshole, cunt, whore, or my ex-wife (read this line in Norman Chad voice).
-Do not yell comments mid-show in an attempt to upstage/be funnier than the comedian. Most comedians (including me) possess the ability to verbally rape the common man. You will embarrass yourself and all your friends will remind you of your jackass-ness for years to come.
-Bring a high level of enthusiasm and emotional involvement with you to the show. Few things pain me more than a passive audience. Clap, cheer, get drunk, hoot n' holler, and feel free to join the comedy riot.
-If you are likely to audibly groan (awwwwww) if somebody makes a sexual/racial joke, stay home. If you are morally opposed to curse words, potty humor, or promiscuity, shame on you.
-For the guys: I appreciate it when you offer to buy me drinks after the show to signify that you liked my comedy work. I know this is one of the only acceptable ways for a heterosexual man to show gratitude to another heterosexual man. However, I am a light-weight, and after one shot, you have to believe me when I tell you I'm a pussy.
-For the ladies: I am not opposed to signing boobies post-show or accepting panties that are thrown on stage while I am performing. I'm not a chauvinist, misogynist, or any other anti-woman "ist", but few things make a man feel better than boobie-signing and projectile panties.
-If you like a comedian, make sure to learn his name and spread the word about his comedy prowess. Hopefully, this unnamed comedian is me.
Thank you in advance for adhering to the above tips. Together, we can make the comedy world a better place. Pass this on to 10 people or you will get chlamydia.