Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Cheap Guy's/Broke Guy's Guide to Dating

Throughout time, the process of courting and dating has been a costly one for men. While gender roles have evolved in the past fifty years, men are still generally expected to foot the bill on dates. Sometimes, a guy can find a woman who will pay half, but it is nearly impossible to date without spending cash. Herein lies the problem. There are many CGs/BGs (cheap guys/broke guys) who cringe at the thought of parting with their moolah, but they long to enjoy the company of sexy women. Well, as the charitable, altruistic fellow that I strive to be, I am willing to share my ingenious tips for how to date as a CG/BG.

You may question my credentials and wonder whether my advice is worth following, but I have been a CG/BG my whole life, and that has never stopped me from dating. Many women are repulsed by a self-proclaimed CG/BG. That is why you must never admit to being one. The secret to CG/BG dating is disguising your CG/BG status. Some smart, perceptive women will see through these tricks and recognize you for the CG/BG that you are, but they will appreciate your effort. If they don't, they are materialistic, vapid gold-diggers and you should avoid them like you would avoid a 500 pound woman with halitosis and herpes. Without further ado, here are my excellent tips that will save you cash and lead you to the promised land of poon:

AVOID RESTAURANTS- Eating out is expensive. There are cheaper restaurants, but there are no cheap restaurants that you can go to on a date. Taking a woman to Shakey's, Taco Bell, or Subway will result in her programming you into her phone as "Cheap Ass". She will call all her friends and tell them about you and your CG/BG ways. Her friends will be shocked and appalled, attempt to comfort her, and you will never hear from your date again.

You may be confused; you may be wondering how it is possible to date and avoid restaurants. The best way to avoid restaurants is to avoid mealtime dates. If you are going on a first date, always opt for after-dinner drinks, especially if your goal is to get laid. Women are more open to having first-date sex when it's late at night and they have ingested some of the devil's juice.

If you want to do a dinner date, volunteer to cook for your lucky lady. Cooking for her shows that you care and saves you cash. WIN/WIN!!! You can buy pasta, sauce and a bottle of wine for less than $10. And, if she gets drunk at your place, you must insist that she spend the night because drinking and driving is wrong and dangerous. BINGO BANGO.

FREE MOVIE SCREENINGS- This trick works best in Los Angeles or New York. Often, after buying movie tickets online, you will begin to receive e-mails that you have been invited to screen a movie that has yet to be released. Generally, these screenings are conducted so the studios can determine the quality of their forthcoming movies. These movie screenings are a dating goldmine because you are given free admission for you and a guest. Tell your date that you have been invited to a movie screening and that you would like to bring her. She will assume that you must be well-connected and she will feel special because the general public can't see this movie yet. When you make a woman feel special, she will make you feel special. Oh yeah!!!

OUTDOOR EXCURSIONS- Many women love nature and beautiful scenery. I love the fact that looking at a tree doesn't cost me a dime. Take your date to the beach, the mountains, a lake, a park, a forest, or anywhere else that looks nice and is open to the public. Go on a nighttime hike and try for something nauseatingly cliche like cuddling while gazing up at the stars. This could lead to something beautifully kinky like fornicating in hiking boots on Runyon Canyon.

TAKE HER TO A NIGHTCLUB- Some of you may think that clubbing is costly. Entrance to a swanky club, VIP treatment, and bottle service can run you close to $500 in many metropolitan areas. But, that doesn't mean that the CG/BG has to avoid dancing with his date. There are a plethora of clubs that offer free admission or offer free admission before 10 PM. Conveniently, take advantage of these before 10 offers. Keep in mind that the majority of women like a guy who can take control and make decisions, so if you confidently tell her you are going to pick her up at 9:30 and then hit the club, she may not bat an eye. If she asks why you are going to the club so early, just say that you want to spend more time with her. Hopefully, that's true.

Also, you want to try to befriend club promoters/managers and anyone who could potentially provide you with a hook-up at the club. You will save money and she will be impressed that you know "important" people. Ladies love guys with status and power, and the CG/BG needs to show that he has some status without opening his wallet.

Dancing is a great date activity. Even if you are an awful dancer, your date will most likely appreciate your willingness to strut yo' stuff on the dance floor. Dancing can result in touching and touching can cause the sexual tension to escalate to an unbearable level. Hot diggity damn. Sorry to get all Cosmo on you, but make sure you maintain eye contact with her while you're dancing. If she catches you staring at the go-go dancer or another girl's ass, your date could reach a very early conclusion.

GO TO AN OBSCURE ENTERTAINMENT/SPORTING EVENT- Women love activities that are creative/unique. If you come up with a dating idea that seems out of the ordinary, you will get major bonus points. It will seem like you have put it in some genuine thought to make your date special and she will have a good story to tell her friends. Obscure events are always cheap because few people know about them. Depending on your date's interests, take your woman to a music open-mic, a modern art museum, a minor league hockey game, a Justin Berkman comedy show (the best idea, but hopefully, one day you will have to spend major dough to see me), a poetry slam, or a community theater play. Just don't get too crazy with your ideas. If you take her to a junior high school girl's lacrosse match, she might think that you're a pedophile.

I hope you can take advantage of all my sage advice. Feel free to send this article to all your CG/BG friends or anyone who could benefit from my wisdom or would be entertained by my thoughts. If you are in college or under the age of 18, you don't need to follow my suggestions. No college girl/minor should expect you to take her on regular dates. She knows you're a CG/BG. If she expects more from you than you are able to give, tell her to go fuck herself. Oh, and no self-respecting man allows his date to regularly pay for him. Have some pride, bitches!

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